Just another crazy weekend

We have been frantically getting Austin back and forth to Oklahoma practice these last few weeks, then this week he has had performances night after night, getting home at 1 a.m., then back for more matinees and evening shows. He does love it, though. The show is over, so we are looking forward to things getting back to normal.

Annabeth is still very shy and quiet. She did spend time with a friend today, that was fun.

I have done lots and lots of laundry today, changed the sheets, and am preparing to go to work tomorrow. YUK! 4:45 a.m. comes really early. I am still fearful about the happenings at the MED, but hopefully, some of it is political in nature. I do love my job and love the babies, but Lord knows I need to work.

Sarah is ending her first trimester of pregnancy....hopefully some of the morning sickness will be gone soon. She goes to the doctor on Tuesday so hopefully, we will hear the heart beating. Our first grand child....how exciting.

I am going to get started at Momma's house soon. Oh what an undertaking that will be. I just know that there are so many memories attached to each and every item. Oh well, it will be a cleansing process in every sense of the word.

I guess I will close for now................k

Waves of Grief like the Ocean

Well...........I cannot believe Momma has been gone for 2 months. It seems like only yesterday. There are still so many times that I am overcome with grief that I just find myself sitting and staring and crying and wondering, then there are times that things are almost back to normal.

My sister is still having such a hard time too, but then she does not have as many people around her as I do. She did tell me that a lady told her that grief is kind of like standing at the edge of the ocean, the grief is the waves that roll in....sometimes they knock you off of your feet and other times they just run between your legs, you just have to prepare yourself for whatever comes.....some days the waves are higher and some days it is really calm, and then there are even times that it is choppy alternating with calm all on the same day. Grief is like that..........we are just learning to stand and watch and look out at the "ocean" of our lives and remember what a great momma we had and how blessed we were to have her. My sister said she pictures her ocean with big fluffy clouds because momma always said that Nathan, my baby in heaven, was running the cloud machine in heaven. What a pretty picture of such a sad and dark place that grief is.

This is a picture that Annabeth made for me since I love the ocean.  She wanted me to be happy again.

 

An Ocean of Grief

by Ferna Lary Mills

I cautiously watch the water as it moves along the shore
creeping closer to the sand around my feet.
Beyond the crashing waves, where the water is deepest green
the ocean mirrors the depths of my grief.

My grief is like the ocean, sorrow coming in like waves,
sometimes gentle like a ripple on the sea.
Other times it just engulfs me with crushing waves of sadness
and undertows of despair pull down on me.

Some days I wade out in it, splashing memories with my feet,
recalling days of sunshine on my face.
Stepping through the foamy edges never venturing out so far
that larger waves can threaten their embrace.

Then when I least expect it this freak of nature soaks me
in reality so painful that I fall.
The sorrow and the anger that I've fought with day to day
surge through me in a tidal free-for-all.

One day when I'm much stronger and my grief is not so new
I'll swim just like I used to do before.
I'll take pleasure in the memories,
and tread water in those places
that we can't share together anymore.

Circle of Life

In case you have not been on facebook, I found out yesterday that I am going to be a grandmother. Can you believe it? I am WAY too young to be a Grand. I am excited though. I love babies. Babies change the dynamic of a family completely. It will be good for Sarah to be responsible for someone and to have someone to love unconditionally, and I secretly hope the baby is a little like her....it would serve her right, Ha! It is funny how the circle of life changes....we go from death to new life. The really funny thing is that my momma LOVED babies and she was Sarah's biggest fan.

Now I have a whole new set of things to worry about....money, maternity clothes, doctors, healthy baby, baby clothes, milk, diapers. Oh yea, it is HER baby, not mine, so I can worry as a grandmother, not the momma.

Knowing Sarah, I am sure we are in for a long hot summer, but she is a strong girl and I know she will do fine. I love you sweet girl!

One Week Down

Well, I made it through my first week back at work....if you could call it that. I only worked two eight hour shifts and got canceled today, but Oh Well! At least I tried. I am back on the permanent schedule and, for now, being off is not an option, unless I get canceled again...oh how I LOVE to get the phone call. Fortunately for me, the census was low in the newborn center, so I was able to ease back in and take a few not so sick babies and get my feet wet again. Nothing too mind numbing. In a couple of weeks, I will even be in charge again. Hopefully it won't be too bad. All of the nurses and NNPs have been so great, and even the attendings have been coming up and hugging me and giving condolences. It is so funny to think that they are actually caring human beings.

I did have to take care of a couple of things for momma this week and it was somewhat strange to give them her death certificates and talk about her in the past tense. I guess I am getting more use to it, though. There is still so much to do, but we are taking it just one day at a time.

I have missed talking to her all day every day...there have been several times that I wanted to pick up the phone and tell her just one thing, but then realized she is not there any more. I called Mandie one day on the way home from work and one day I called my dad. He has been so good through this whole thing. It has really brought us closer together.

I am going to a wedding shower tomorrow and it will be nice. It is for one of our old neighbor girls. It will be good to be with their family for a while. They all loved Momma so much and the feeling was very mutual.

I guess I will close for now, I am taking Annabeth to a girls sleepover at the children's director's house and then picking up Austin at the Theater Conference at the High School.

Till then.............k

Back in the Saddle Again

I survived my first day back at work. It was much anticipated, and after the initial hugs and offers of condolences, and a few tears, it was back to work as usual. Lots of gossip (not us!!!), giggling, chatting, loving the babies, catching up, and just having a good day. I knew it would be a good day because the last song I heard when I pulled into the parking garage on 104.5 WRVR was K.C. and the Sunshine Band singing Shake your Booty....you can do it!!! I always loved that song and my friend, Alecia, sings it to me. In fact she called me at work to see how I was doing.

I appreciate the people who searched me out today to offer words of encouragement and support, even people you might not expect. It just goes to show, you don't know whose life you will touch one day.

I am working 8 hour shifts this week, then next week will be back to my full schedule again. I was glad to be staffing today and not in charge.....I had totally forgotten how to set up the "Head Cooling" machine. UGHHH!!! I guess I need to get busy and start remembering. Thank goodness I was not in charge today.

I guess I will close for now............am waiting on the Pizza Man to come.....k

Girls Weekend

Well, I had a very good weekend.....just girls. Mary Nell and I went to a spa resort, spent two nights at the hotel, had a massage, manicure and pedicure. We ate great food including a wonderful grilled chicken salad and chicken marsala with pasta and then breakfast in the room. I spent alot of time reflecting and it was good to just have time alone with my thoughts for a while. We ended the weekend going to Go Girl Art at Buckley's Lunch Box with Robin and Rachel and painted a picture of an apple. It is not as easy as it looks and I am definitely NOT Vincent Van Gogh! But maybe PiKAYso???

It was a very good weekend just for ME. Thank you to my husband and family for putting up with me and allowing me to indulge myself.

k

Winterizing Momma's House

As I said earlier, we got a little dusting of snow....in fact it has pretty much gone away....not melted because it is still so COLD outside, but magically disappeared. I did not do much of anything today except try to stay warm, keep Annabeth's clothes dry and warm her up after going outside, and make some chili. It was pretty good....or I was just really hungry.

Daddy called me to remind me about winterizing momma's house, so I went over there to put the faucet covers on and open the vanity cabinets where the bathroom plumbing fixtures are, and while I was there, memories of her flooded my mind. That is the house that I grew up in, that my parents raised me and my sister in, the stable home for my children as they grew up.....we moved here and there, but Grandmomma was always in her home, then it was the place that momma got sick, grew weary and tired, and then passed away. So many things to see, touch, smell, feel....but she is not there. Her spirit is gone from that place.....I could feel her in my heart, but even sitting on her bed that she lived for practically the last 2 months of her life, I could not feel her there. I cried and cried.

I then remembered that I was supposed to cancel her AARP supplemental insurance and her RX plan. I called them and thought I was doing OK, until I had to tell the customer service representative the reason for my call. It is so hard to just say those words.

I know that it will get easier with time........just wish it was easier now.....k

Snow Day

We got a little dusting of snow last night and the kids are out of school. When I got up this morning, my first thought was...."momma has to be so cold out there". I know SHE is not there, that SHE has gone on to be with the Lord, but just yesterday I went to take flowers out to the cemetary and it seemed so cold. All of the water features had frozen and it just seemed so sad. They had removed all of her funeral sprays, so I wanted her to have flowers of her own....if for no other reason, than so that other people would know that she was loved.

My sister has gone to take her friend back home, so we are dog sitting. She is such a sweet pooch and Annabeth loves her so much. Having Sophie and Skipper around makes me really feel like I live in a zoo.

I am trying to decide about going back to work. My brain is telling me to go.....get back in the swing of things and get back to normal...whatever that is. But my heart is telling me that it is too soon. How will I be away from home for 13 hours a day, and trying to make life and death decisions for a baby in the NICU. I don't know what I will do. Thankfully, my job is being very supportive and understanding. I guess it will depend on money too....the bills keep on coming.

I am going to make chili for supper tonight......I tried to make taco casserole the other night and burned it, so hopefully, my attention span will be better tonight. Chili seems like such a cold weather thing to make.

Oh well, I guess I will go for now..............talk to you soon. k

Why will sleep not come???

Well, here it is almost 1 in the morning and I have been to bed twice, and yet, when I close my eyes, my mind just fills with pictures and thoughts and then the crying starts. I got up both times after a little while, thinking that I could get a "do over". When I laid down the second time, I had a glass of milk and laid there reading my new bible - The Message. I don't really know much about the translation, like where it comes from, or who translated it (I guess that would be something good to know), but I do know that Mark Lowry, the comedian, reads it and he is southern baptist, so it is probably good enough for me! Anyway, it is very easy to read, and I have been reading in Ecclesiastes about the seasons of life and the reasons for everything. I enjoy the reading and prayers that I pray in my mind, but I still cannot shut my mind down so that the sleep will come. I will try again............k

Traditional Irish Blessing

Traditional Irish Blessing - E-Water

A friend of mine sent this to me and I find it too beautiful NOT to share.

Back Home at "Box Springs Baptist Church"

What a mess I am. I had a meltdown this morning, just laying there and thinking about the prospect of going back to work. Forget that I am a nurse and take care of lives and have to be able to think on my feet. What dawned on me is that I ALWAYS talk to momma on the phone on the way to work and on the way home from work. I get off of the phone when I reach the parking garage in the morning, and I dial her number when I start the truck in the evening. We talk all of the way home. What will I do now? I cried myself to sleep last night. Why am I like this, I have a good husband and great kids who love me and give me time and space. I just miss her so much.

I did get up and go to church this morning. It was so sad being there. We were singing praise and worship hymns and all I could see was her sitting there in her wheel chair for the play "Christmas Shoes". That was the last night she left the house. The longer I sat there, the more I cried. Finally, I could not take it anymore. I came home and crawled into bed. We call it "Box Springs Baptist Church". Sounds better than staying in bed on Sunday morning.

I have to wonder if I will ever be normal again. It is like my whole world stood still back on October 13th, the day momma went into the hospital. My whole world has revolved around her, taking care of her, doctor's appointments, etc. Now, there is a big ole Barbara Thorne shaped hole in my heart. How will I ever fill that hole?

Married to a Football Junkie!!

It is January 2nd, and today is bowls game in the SEC. He started watching at noon today with the Rebels in the Cotton Bowl and then watched Arkansas in the Liberty Bowl, and now I don't even know what teams he is watching.

I went to momma's house for a little while today and just wandered around, I got her bills ready to pay, I talked to Uncle Howard. He is leaving tomorrow to go back to Arizona. Annabeth and I went to the nursing home to see Granny and Uncle Porgy had gotten back up there to see her. She has settled in nicely, and seems to be doing OK on her rehab, it is just that she wants to go home and I don't think that is in the plan for her. We are just taking it one day at a time....with our grief, as well as with dealing with granny. We are scheduled to have a family multi-disciplinary meeting at the Rehab on Monday with my uncle, my sister and myself. Maybe we will find out more about the plan.

I just got through shampooing and drying and straightening Annabeth's hair. Boy, oh boy, she has LOTS of hair. She said she wants to be a hairdresser when she grows up and she wants to work at a beauty salon....look out April. She may work for you one day.

I guess I will close for now, I need to get ready for church, Pastor Ritchie sent a text message inviting everyone to church in the morning, he said you might as well come "you haven't been to church all year". He is so funny. Till then...........kay

Another Day....Another Decade

well....here it is January 1st, 2010. Even though she only died 10 days ago, it was LAST YEAR. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around. I am still in disbelief, I guess. I was with her when she died, I listened for a heart beat and heard none, I looked for respirations and saw none, I looked at her pupils and they were fixed and dilated, I saw the funeral home carry her body out, I sat through her funeral, and yet I still cannot believe. She was just here. How can it be?

I cried in McDonald's today with  Dwayne, we had been to get tires for my truck and were eating a quick lunch and I just cried and cried. I may never be the same. Then this afternoon, I opened up my cell phone bill and it was $712....there were some errors on there, but in the end, we still owe around $600. I cried and cried, it seems like my world is falling apart. Even Sarah came running with money in her hand. She and my man and my kids want to do anything to help, but really, what I want, no one can give to me....that is my momma.

I miss her so much that I physically ache.....my throat hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my chest hurts....I just want to cry, kick and scream. I have been writing and reading and looking for support wherever I can find it. I am going to the doctor on Wednesday for my regular check up. I am sure he will tell me that I am right on track for where I should be for someone who just lost their mother after a very short battle with cancer. Maybe I should see my talking doctor too, just someone to talk to.

I really need to think about going back to work some day soon, but I don't even know how to begin. I need to be of "sound mind" to take care of someone's precious baby. My mind is just not all there right now.

I did not go to the nursing home to see Granny today, for that I feel guilty. I don't know why. I had told Uncle Porgy that I thought I would go, but then did not go. I am ashamed, but I just wanted to be alone today.

I guess I will go for now, I am going to soak in the tub......hoping to get some rest tonight. Till next time.......................k

Happy Stinkin' New Year

It is new years eve and I am sitting at home alone. My Man and the kids have gone to Mawmaw's for supper, but I just could not go. I just can't stop crying. I miss her so much. I cannot believe that this year is coming to an end and that her life came to an end. It dawned on me today that it has been over a week since I last heard her voice or felt her touch. When will the pain go away. My heart feels like it is breaking in two. I try to hold it all together for the sake of my kids, especially Annabeth, but for right now, all I can do is cry. I don't even know how to begin to go on. They say that new years is a time for new beginnings, well this is not the kind of beginning that I was imagining. How do I start the new year without her, and with my granny in a nursing home. It is just so sad and depressing. Others are talking about starting the new year off with a diet or more exercise or whatever resolution that they have come up with and all I can see is a life without my momma. I have talked to her EVERY day for my entire life. There is a big ole momma shaped hole in my heart.

Clean House

Today is the day after momma's funeral. I got up and really did not even know where to begin. My life has been on hold for 10 weeks now, and I got up and there was no where that I had to be. I came into the den to the mess that had been Christmas....scraps of paper everywhere, gifts everywhere, Christmas breakfast dishes still dirty on the counter. I just wanted to crawl back into my bed. So, I took a nice hot bath and went to the hospital to see my Granny. I am a care-giver after all.

I met my uncle there and we met with the discharge planner about long term care possibilities. It is sad to think that she will have to go to a "home" but that is the safest place for her...and I have to take care of myself right now.

I left there and went to the cemetary to see for myself that it is real. I guess I still just cannot believe it. It is like there is nothing left for me to do. I have done all of the things that needed to be done, and now what do I do?

I came home and Mawmaw had cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen and made my bed, so that was a very good start. I took the Christmas tree down and got the den cleaned up, arranged the plants that I got from the funeral around the den and vacuumed. I love a clean house.

I thought I was doing pretty good for today, till I got in the bed and closed my eyes, then I could see her. My heart just broke all over again. I miss her so much and it has only been a week. But you have to understand, I talked to her EVERY DAY for 43 years, and have lived with her for the last 9 weeks. My heart aches for her, I long to feel her touch and hear her voice.

I thought I would write here for a while and then maybe be able to rest. I know that I am rambling, so I guess I will close for now........till next time..........kay

Welcome To My Home (or should I say BLOG)

I decided to try this since I have gotten so use to writing every day on Caring Bridge. This will be a new place to write my thoughts and to update you on what is going on in my life.

I don't have anything funny or witty to say right now, but will write later.....kay