Another Day....Another Decade

well....here it is January 1st, 2010. Even though she only died 10 days ago, it was LAST YEAR. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around. I am still in disbelief, I guess. I was with her when she died, I listened for a heart beat and heard none, I looked for respirations and saw none, I looked at her pupils and they were fixed and dilated, I saw the funeral home carry her body out, I sat through her funeral, and yet I still cannot believe. She was just here. How can it be?

I cried in McDonald's today with  Dwayne, we had been to get tires for my truck and were eating a quick lunch and I just cried and cried. I may never be the same. Then this afternoon, I opened up my cell phone bill and it was $712....there were some errors on there, but in the end, we still owe around $600. I cried and cried, it seems like my world is falling apart. Even Sarah came running with money in her hand. She and my man and my kids want to do anything to help, but really, what I want, no one can give to me....that is my momma.

I miss her so much that I physically ache.....my throat hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my chest hurts....I just want to cry, kick and scream. I have been writing and reading and looking for support wherever I can find it. I am going to the doctor on Wednesday for my regular check up. I am sure he will tell me that I am right on track for where I should be for someone who just lost their mother after a very short battle with cancer. Maybe I should see my talking doctor too, just someone to talk to.

I really need to think about going back to work some day soon, but I don't even know how to begin. I need to be of "sound mind" to take care of someone's precious baby. My mind is just not all there right now.

I did not go to the nursing home to see Granny today, for that I feel guilty. I don't know why. I had told Uncle Porgy that I thought I would go, but then did not go. I am ashamed, but I just wanted to be alone today.

I guess I will go for now, I am going to soak in the tub......hoping to get some rest tonight. Till next time.......................k