Happy Stinkin' New Year

It is new years eve and I am sitting at home alone. My Man and the kids have gone to Mawmaw's for supper, but I just could not go. I just can't stop crying. I miss her so much. I cannot believe that this year is coming to an end and that her life came to an end. It dawned on me today that it has been over a week since I last heard her voice or felt her touch. When will the pain go away. My heart feels like it is breaking in two. I try to hold it all together for the sake of my kids, especially Annabeth, but for right now, all I can do is cry. I don't even know how to begin to go on. They say that new years is a time for new beginnings, well this is not the kind of beginning that I was imagining. How do I start the new year without her, and with my granny in a nursing home. It is just so sad and depressing. Others are talking about starting the new year off with a diet or more exercise or whatever resolution that they have come up with and all I can see is a life without my momma. I have talked to her EVERY day for my entire life. There is a big ole momma shaped hole in my heart.

Clean House

Today is the day after momma's funeral. I got up and really did not even know where to begin. My life has been on hold for 10 weeks now, and I got up and there was no where that I had to be. I came into the den to the mess that had been Christmas....scraps of paper everywhere, gifts everywhere, Christmas breakfast dishes still dirty on the counter. I just wanted to crawl back into my bed. So, I took a nice hot bath and went to the hospital to see my Granny. I am a care-giver after all.

I met my uncle there and we met with the discharge planner about long term care possibilities. It is sad to think that she will have to go to a "home" but that is the safest place for her...and I have to take care of myself right now.

I left there and went to the cemetary to see for myself that it is real. I guess I still just cannot believe it. It is like there is nothing left for me to do. I have done all of the things that needed to be done, and now what do I do?

I came home and Mawmaw had cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen and made my bed, so that was a very good start. I took the Christmas tree down and got the den cleaned up, arranged the plants that I got from the funeral around the den and vacuumed. I love a clean house.

I thought I was doing pretty good for today, till I got in the bed and closed my eyes, then I could see her. My heart just broke all over again. I miss her so much and it has only been a week. But you have to understand, I talked to her EVERY DAY for 43 years, and have lived with her for the last 9 weeks. My heart aches for her, I long to feel her touch and hear her voice.

I thought I would write here for a while and then maybe be able to rest. I know that I am rambling, so I guess I will close for now........till next time..........kay

Welcome To My Home (or should I say BLOG)

I decided to try this since I have gotten so use to writing every day on Caring Bridge. This will be a new place to write my thoughts and to update you on what is going on in my life.

I don't have anything funny or witty to say right now, but will write later.....kay