Surrender

I am trying to learn the steps to becoming a better me and get away from all of the chaos in my life. The third step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God".

His will....not mine.

 ---- Let Go and Let God. ----

Surrender

This is not surrender................

   This is.....

The Evolution of My Hair

For anyone who knows me well, you know that I have been "growing my hair" for over a year.  I guess I have always grown my hair, but I am trying to grow my hair out.  It is quite a painful experience.  This collage tells the story of me over the last year and the mess my hair has been.  It is still not where I want it to be.....I guess I don't really know where I want it to be or what I want it to look like, but my girls say I look younger with longer hair, so we shall see.

Austin's "Pathetic Picadilly Party"

This is a great picture of our three kids.  I can't get over how grown up they all three are.  I can remember before they were even born.  I am very proud of the adults that they are becoming.

Our kids love their Aunt Jackie (& Charlie).  Austin made her a special hat for her Red Hat Society.....complete with an Arkansas Razorback.   Soooooo Weeeeee Pig!

Pawpaw Lanier and Grand Marilyn are always there for us.  We love you and appreciate you both.

Austin loves his MawMaw Conlee.  I am so blessed to have such a sweet spirited mother in law, that helps take care of my kids and help keep my household running smoothly.

We were so excited to see Uncle Howard and Kathy all the way from Arizone.  We love you both and miss you guys.

And this big ole teddy bear is my Uncle Porgy (George) and Janice.  I love you guys and am so happy at the way you have stepped up to help take care of Granny.

Sarah and her crew with Uncle Howard.  I have always said that trying to get a photo with kids and adults all looking in the same direction is like herding cats.

This is Austin and his BFF, Jessie Steele.  She is a part of the family.  Who else would come with Austin and 25 of his closest relatives to a "Pathetic 18th Birthday Party at Picadilly". 

Rhonda and our sweet little Granny.

me and the man.....what can I say? 

Peace and Serenity

Rhonda made this for me.  It is very special.  We have had some rough patches in our relationship over the last 46 years, but through thick and thin, we realize that blood is thicker than water.  We love each other and have a tie that binds.  As we each try to become better versions of ourselves, we in turn are helping each other to grow in peace and grace and love. 

Rhonda, I love you with all of my heart.  I am glad you are my sister.

Happy 18th Birthday, Son

I have always said that Austin being so funny, cute and adorable has gotten him out of alot of spankings in his lifetime.  I love you Son!!!

What a great feeling to cross the Finish Line

 I think I can, I think I can

 Crossing the finish line.  I was tearing up and could not focus on the clock and big guy in red/black was blocking the clock.  What I do know is that when I did look at it a couple of minutes later it said 58 minutes, so I know that I came in under 58 minutes.  The big thing is that I started, tried and finished it.

 I know, I am a hot, sweaty mess, but look at that ribbon!

my first bib and ribbon. 

Now, do I mark this off of the bucket list? or do I keep on?  The goal is to try to build up stamina and strength and eventually to lose weight.  I don't know.  For today, I am basking in the accomplishment of having set a goal and completed it.  Thank you to all of my facebook friends for the encouragement and love.

Today is the day of my first official 5K - the WRWM Graduation

 Special thanks to Dwayne for running with me at times, and being an encouragement, telling me I look good, even though my behind is eating my shorts and I have the world's smallest pony tail and I look like a pin head, and lastly, I had to do some Yoga poses to stretch that shirt out enough to get it over my biceps - that is the word for big arm, right???

 special thanks to Austin, my biggest fan and encourager.  You have been my night time/early morning running buddy and I appreciate you for it.  I was so excited that you got up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday to cheer on your momma.

 This is sweet little Kat.  Her mother was my inspiration to run/walk a 5k.  Larisa sent me texts and messages and pictures of encouragement weekly.  I missed her today, but she is probably JUST  FINE, she is on the beach in Cozumel today.

This is the starting line with 1,200 of my closest friends. 

Tomorrow is the Big Day - 5K Graduation

After 3 months of training, tomorrow is the big day.  I am going to do my first 5K.  You notice I did not say run my first 5K, because unfortunately I still walk alot more than run, but I am going to be out there trying and that is what really matters.

Folks have asked me what my goal time is for tomorrow.  I say simply that I want to finish.  I jokingly say that I don't want to be the one running in front of the truck picking up the cones, but someone has to be last, and if that happens to be me, I will be ok.  It will be something that I can laugh about.  The important thing is that I got off of my tookus and did something that I am afraid to do.  It has been a struggle, but I have gotten stronger.  That was the goal of all of this. 

I would like to thank my running buddy Larisa, for being a great encouragement to me during these months.  She has more faith in my ability than I have in myself.  I would not be doing this tomorrow if not for her texts and calls and pep talks.  I am going to miss you tomorrow, Larisa, but I know you are having fun on your cruise.

I went over 3 miles - hey that's 5K

Just one more week of training before graduation.  This was the first time that I actually went over 3 miles, heck it was the first time I went over 2.5 miles.  It does look like I will be at the back of the pack, but hey, somebody has to be last. 

Week 9 - Take THAT "Criminal Minds" Marathon

So, after procrastinating all day today, Labor Day, and watching a marathon of one of my favorite shows, "Criminal Minds", I managed to put off doing my Homework for the Women's Run/Walk Memphis for today.  We did not train together because of the holiday, but are supposed to get in all three of our runs this week, and having to work 4 shifts this week, I really should have run today.....but, Nooooooo! I sat on my tail watching TV.

Well, Austin came in from work, and I asked if he had remembered to stop and get more diet cokes.  Of course, he forgot.  I then told him that I wished he had been home with me to run earlier, because I was afraid to go out after dark alone. 

He then told me that we should walk to Kroger and get the diet cokes, you know.....two birds, one stone.  I said "No, Austin, I have been watching Criminal Minds all day, it will be too spooky, scary, creepy, dangerous, dark, icky......" you get the idea.  I used every scary adjective I could think of, and him being.....well, him......talked me into going.  He said he would "protect me" .....all 107 pounds of him.

So, imagine if you will, it is 10:30 at night, dark outside, thankfully a full moon.  I am completely decked out in tech wear, head phones, Map My Run, Pandora Fit radio, money in my pocket, a flash light that was almost as bright as a really dim nurse's pen light and I am ready to go.  I look at Austin and he has on pajama pants, flip flops, his cell phone in his hand, pushing a stroller (with which to carry the drinks back, of course).  I said, "Austin, you can't go for a run in your flip flops", so he goes to change.  Well, long story short, as we are in Kroger, I notice that Austin is BARE FOOTED.  I guess he got the part right about you can't wear flip flops. 

So, we did finish our run, and we went 3.2 miles in just over an  hour.  I can't believe we actually went 5K......my first time completing 5 kilometers and my Austin was with me.  I sure do love that boy.

Austin and Jessie will be starring in The Drowsy Chaperone

They are so excited to find out today that they were cast in their senior high school production of The Drowsy Chaperone in the spring of 2013.  Austin was cast as "Man in Chair" and Jessie was cast as "Drowsy Chaperone".  They are excited to have leads in the play.  What a way to end their senior year.

Annabeth will be "Behind Bars" for 2 years

Today starts another chapter in Annabeth's life.  I guess she is not a baby girl any more after all.  She will have braces on until her freshman year in high school.  That will be just one more reason for her to look forward to getting into high school.  Her band colors are turquoise and lime green.....her signature colors, of course.

Thanks, Uncle Howard, for the joke about being "behind bars".  I thought it was funny.

Week 8 - Running is Fun.....said no one ever!

Race day is getting closer and closer.  As usual, I did not feel like training yesterday with the ladies at Walk/Run Memphis.  I had my usual upset tummy, I fell in the shower and brused my leg and just in general did not feel like going.  I pushed thru and went on.  I think we went a little farther than we have gone before, but I did not have my GPS on.  I just don't ever remember crossing that bridge before last night.  Anyway, the humidity "bout got me......ain't nobody got time for that"!

I cannot believe the race is only a couple short weeks away.  Then I need to start planning the next goal....something to work for.....something to look forward to so I don't give up.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl

Sydney and Sam with Annabeth celebrating her 13th Birthday.  Happy Birthday, sweet baby girl.  11 years with a teenager, only 7 more to go.

Week 7 - I am starting to get the hang of it....maybe



I still get very nervous and always think I can't do it, and I have been getting really discouraged not being able to keep up with everyone else in our group.  Then a couple of weeks ago, I mapped out how far 5K really is and I have been thinking there is no way I can do it.

Well, tonight, we went to train at Shelby Farms, it was a cool 84 degrees (much better than heat index of 100 degrees)...anyway, I actually went over 2.5 miles.  I am still very, very slow, but I am making progress.  I have found that we can talk while we are running part of the time.  I am not nearly as tired and worn out as when we first started.  and Tonight, for the first time, I actually think that I can finish the race. 

It is not really a race for me against any one else, or even my own time.  It is about finishing.  I started this as a way to become healthier and I want to reach my goal.  Hopefully, I will continue working on it and become stronger, and hopefully run/walk in the Race for the Cure in October.

Keeping my fingers crossed that I continue with my training and don't get hurt or anything.  I am actually, maybe a little bit, looking forward to September 15th.

Week 6 - Running in the Rain

This week, I have been so discouraged.  I still can only run MAYBE 2 minutes, then I have to walk for a bit, and this week we are running 3 minutes, walk 1 minute for a total of 40 minutes.  So, knowing that there is no way I can do that, I decided to train with the Walkers today.  I told my running buddy and she was just afraid I was quitting.  I assured her I am still trying, but that my throat hurt, my right foot feels like it is on fire when I run, and I was just gonna walk tonight.  On the way to the training site it started pouring down rain, seriously the bottom fell out, windshield wipers on high and still can't see driving down Germantown Parkway.  I got to the site and it is a huge church parking lot that has huge electrical wiring strung all across.  They decided to cancel due to lightening.  They also told me that if you run AT ALL, you will be disqualified if you race as a Walker.  I left a little sad because I was "all dressed up and no place to go", so I drove over to the Beginner Runners training site that I usually go to.  It is more of an open field area without electrical wires and no lightening, so they were gonna train.  I was a little bit behind just out of the gate because I wasa little late getting there, but I trudged ahead.  I ran a bit, walked a bit.  I did not catch up to them until they turned around.....actually, I guess they caught up with me :O) 

Anyway, the moral to this story is that I would much rather run in the rain than in full sun with a heat index of 113 degrees, and just never give up. 

Hey, Fat Girl

I found this blog and really, really liked it. I am sharing it here, but you can read it in it's entirety here:

http://flintland.blogspot.ca/2012/05/hey-fat-girl.html

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.


You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.  You are awesome.

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

Week 5 - I actually talked part of the walk/run

It was equally as hot tonight with a heat index around 100 degrees, and during warm up, I was standing in an ant hill (not a good way to start the run), but after pouring water down my legs and feet, I started the training with the rest of the ladies.  We went over 2 miles tonight and just like usual, the first half was fine, then I started getting really nauseated and my hands were swelling so bad that I could not bend my fingers, and the sun was in my eyes without my visor, but I kept on putting one foot in front of the other and finished.  I had to, I was too embarrassed to stop. I was not able to run any of the last half, but I also did not throw up in the fields either....which is a good thing.

In case you have the mistaken notion that I am enjoying myself, I am NOT!!!  This is the hardest, most painful thing that I have ever attempted to do.  It hurts...my knees, my feet, my head, I get nervous, I get a tummy ache, I feel like I am gonna faint, did I mention that my head hurts, I feel like I am gonna throw up, crowds make me really nervous and here I am running with several hundred other people.  I don't want to be the one they have to call the ambulance for. 

You might ask, then, why am I doing this?  I don't really know the answer.  I just know that I am tired of being overweight.  I am tired of being short of breath.  I get embarrassed coming up the flight of stairs from the cafeteria at work.  I am embarrassed that I have to let the others on the delivery team pass me heading to L&D for a delivery.  I am embarrassed that I cannot fit into the throw away scrubs when I have to go into the O.R......I have to hunt for a cover gown.  I don't think that running is the golden ticket to health and weight loss.  What I do know is that running is free....and freeing.  Behavioral health professionals say that it naturally helps with depression.  You have time to think.  Maybe it will help lower my blood sugar, my blood pressure and cholesterol.  I have never had issue with these things before, but with my age, I am sure it will eventually become a problem.  And who knows......maybe I will not even finish.  But for now, I am trying.  That is all I can do is try.
By the way, tonight we saw a little, tiny baby deer over by the bamboo field.  Someone said that they harvest bamboo there each week for the Panda bears at the zoo.  I just hope he found his momma.  One of the coaches in the picture by me, Lisa Overall, was very sweet to stick by me and just walk the last half, she was a great encouragement. 

Austin is a Senior in High School

Don't even ask where this house is.....it was an abandoned house in downtown on Florida Street.  But it sure was pretty :O)

Austin has spent many a night, waiting outside of this stage door at the Orpheum Theater waiting to get autographs.

I wonder if we will see his name in lights one day??

Copied from Swim Bike Mom:

"This lady is out there getting it done. Why aren't I?


And if this picture isn't enough to inspire you, then maybe the words from the woman in it will. Here is the reply from Jackie herself (pictured) in response to all the Facebook comments (some positive, others negative) when this very same photo was shared on the Swim Bike Mom page – just had to share.

"Thank you Swim Bike Mom for posting this [picture of me.] I am humbled and proud to be an inspiration and actually quite appalled at how some of the posters are treating this. I used to weigh 415 lbs. [and] walking to the mailbox was a struggle. Some people don’t just 'let themselves go' …[they] have actual medical issues that prevent normal every day activities. Say what you will but I got off my ass and did it.

And I consistently do it. I do it for me, not you …and I inspire and amaze myself every day at how far I am able to push my body mentally [and] physically. I feel bad for people who can’t look at any picture of ANY athlete and not be inspired.

Honestly, hearing how this photo has inspired folks, I hope it goes viral! I want everyone to know that it IS ok to be any size and still compete. I am comfortable enough with myself to truly appreciate any praise I get from athletes who [have] finished while I’m still out there encouraging me. Triathlons are truly the only sport I have ever been involved in where people genuinely care about others…I am proud of myself, my unbelievably supportive teammates at the Atlanta Triathlon Club and those online like Swim Bike Mom who takes this for what it is. Inspiration for anyone to get out there and do it. If I can inspire just one person, then I have fulfilled my purpose.

I don’t hear [the] negativity, only the passion I have in my head and heart to achieve anything I set my mind to. I would encourage anyone to watch my progress as I train for the Half Ironman in Augusta on September 30th. Many people half my size wouldn’t even dream of trying to even enter such an event. But I'M DOING IT! First, last, dnf, at least I started and will continue to follow my dreams…. FOR ME.

I hope that all of us encourage others to be their best and are proud that ANYONE attempts these activities. If you can’t applaud every athlete, especially those of us who it takes twice as long to finish and twice as much effort to move twice as much weight across the line, then I feel sad for you that you can’t appreciate the beauty in life and everyone’s journey. FYI the day after this race, I swam the Ridges 5k open water swim from GA to NC… so anything is possible if you put your mind to it!!! I wish all of you good luck and hope to hear about all of your successes (and not so successes on your journeys) as well!!! -Love, Jackie"

Jackie – You are an inspiration. Period. Thanks for getting out there and just being you. Keep going hard and never, ever give up!!See More

Happy 2nd Birthday Noah

Noah got a new car for his birthday.

 Don't tell Noah, but I'm driving his car.

 Mickey Mouse was the special guest

 Thanks Pinterest for the decorating ideas.

Mickey looks so much smaller on TV.



Just Do It

Week 4 - The shirt

So this week, once again, the heat index was 113 degrees so the did not have practice.  I was quite relieved, but at the same time, I am afraid I am getting behind.  Even though I still walk alone, without the other people there, I keep my own slower pace than when I am with the other runners.  Oh well, hoping it will cool off one of these days, in the meantime, I am trudging along.

The shirts are cute.  Very girlie and pink and fitted!  The sides have an inset that has lips, lipstick, heels....all very girlie.  The only problem is that the largest shirt that they sold is too tight for me.  UGHHH!!!  It just goes to show that maybe I am not meant for this.  I don't know, I cried when I was leaving Shelby Farms knowing that it would never fit.  We are supposed to wear it to the 5K and I want to be like every one else.  It just makes me sad.  I am a plus size woman trying to get into shape and am having a very difficult time finding tech wear.

Isaiah 40:31

Week 3 - It is HOT outside!!

This has been a tough week.  I did my Week 2 Homework on Saturday and did pretty good considering it was 97 degrees outside.  I did rest much of the afteroon, by evening I was feeling sick at my stomach.  Not surprised because there is a bit of the bug going around.  Anyway, was sick all day Sunday, and then also Monday morning.  I called my running buddy and told her I was not able to go to training Monday night.  Well, it had been cancelled because the heat index was going up to 109.  Soooooo.....I guess I got out of going to training without missing anything.  I walked Tuesday morning, but did not try to run.  Today, I tried to do my week 3 homework and I got so tired.  I just don't have the stamina yet.  Run 2:00 and walk 3:00 for 30 minutes does not seem like much, but I am carrying around a whole other person.  I don't want to give up, but cannot help but hear my inner mind asking "can you really do this?"  "What if you can't finish?"  "What if you get hurt?" 

My friend just keeps encoraging me and telling me that I WILL finish, and that I CAN do this.  I am forever grateful for her support.

Week 2 - I didn't drink enough water

Well, I survived week 2 of training for the Memphis Women's Run/Walk this week.  I did so well last week, and I had had SO much water last week that I really just had to pee all day long.  Well, this week was a different story.  I guess I did not drink quite as much as before, and it was about 10 degrees hotter.  I did OK for the first half of the training, but a little over half way through, I got so nauseated, my lips and tongue were so dry and my calves were killing me.  I thought, I am gonna barf over in the field with several hundred of my closest friends watching.  I decided to walk the rest of the way.  I survived, but hope that I learned a very valuable lesson.....you have to drink water.  You just have to. 

Now, to get back out there and try again.

Hey, Noah.....what does the fish say???

Hunter Man can sit up

Week 1 of Memphis Women Walk Run

I signed up for the Memphis Women's Run Walk training program at Shelby Farms.  We will train to run/walk in a 5K in September.  We will go weekly on Monday evenings for 10 weeks. 

I have been drinking water all day today (I know, can you believe it) and boy does water make you need to tinkle.  I got to Shelby Farms early and the Lord was shining down on me I guess because it was cloudy, breezy and 85 degrees.....not the 98 degrees it had been just a few days prior.  Anyway, I started out at the back of the pack (did I mention that there are hundreds of women running).  We ran 1 minute and walked 2 minutes for a total of 25 minutes.  There are many, many coaches throughout the pack and they were a real encouragement.  I did manage to stay caught up with the rest of the pack, although I had to walk probably more than run, but it will come.  It is not about "racing" it is about setting a goal and accomplishing it. 

Did I mention that when I pulled in to the parking lot, that I pulled in right behind the ambulance.  I thought oh my goodness, please dear Lord, don't let me have to see the inside of that thing. 

Ready for Church